While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
