matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
