I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
