I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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