Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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