I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
