12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
