dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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