ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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