We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
