I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
