his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
