I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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