Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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