Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
