When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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