she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
