Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
