I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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