That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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