She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
