Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
