I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish you could order shots online.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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