Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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