Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
nutella sex= disaster
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
