So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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