Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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