Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
