Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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