i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
