What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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