dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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