i may or may not be watching the land before time
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
