I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
