Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
