I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
