i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
