Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
