wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
