you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
