ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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