I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
