I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just had sex on a roof
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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