we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
