The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
