You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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