I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
