nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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