Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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