Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
