the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
