she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
