2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
